Our Most Important Skill We Can Give Our Children

This message is for all who love their children and grandchildren and have opportunities to teach them.  However, even more so, as in my case, it's for those who didn't know enough to do what the following words declare and WISH they had.  This is not to say that my own children haven't turned out well in spite of my  "lack of knowledge", and by the grace of God, they have, but I wonder if they could have excelled even more had I known the following!  

So, in a spirit of humility I share from my "favorite" devotional, The Word For You Today by Bob Gass:

The Most Important Skill You Can Teach Your Child (1)

"Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve."  Joshua 24:15 NIV

Good decision making is the key to a happy life.  But good decision making is not a skill some of us are naturally blessed with, while poor decision making is a handicap others are born with.  Courage, education, or the aging process don't automatically produce better decision makers.  Spending time with good decision makers is wise, but it doesn't rub off on you.  And he earlier you teach this skill to your children, the better (See Proverbs 22:6).  So teach your children the following principles:  (1)  The consequences you get are the result of the choices you make.  Let your children know it's not their circumstances, but decisions they make about them, that govern their lives.  You may think your kids know this, but they don't.  Their "wiring problem" makes 'cause and effect' difficult to connect until their brain reaches later adolescence.  Asking, "What were you thinking about?" will just invite the famous shoulder shrug and blank stare.  They're not stupid--they just need guidance.  (2)  You will always have options.  Kids commonly feel powerless and hopeless when reacting to negative circumstances.  They tend to be 'either/or' thinkers, concluding that things are either all good or all bad.  Teach them 'both/and' thinking, because things can be bad yet you can choose to make good decisions about them.  'Either/or' thinking frequently produces kids who become pessimistic, disempowered, easily manipulated, depressed adults  Knowing they always have good options prevents circumstances from dictating their lives.

Important Skill (2)

"A man reaps what he sows."  Galatians 6:7 NIV

Somebody said, "Yard by yard life is hard, inch by inch life's a cinch!"  For their life to go right, your children must learn to think right.  So teach them to ask:  (1) "What are my options in this situation?"  But do it with the right attitude.  If your face is like a thundercloud when you talk to them, they'll run for cover.  Brainstorm with them, writing down every option that's offered.  Tell them that no answers are wrong and no idea will be judged silly; all suggestions are accepted and valued.  You're priming their creative pump, encouraging them to think for themselves.  (2) "What benefits come from each option?"  The goal is not to coerce them but for them to discover and embrace the truth for themselves.  And that comes through patience, not pressure.  Have them list which benefits seem most important to them.  (3) "What negative consequences come from each option?" Kids can be brutally honest.  That's okay.  It's just part of learning God's cause-and-effect law of sowing and reaping.  indeed, many adult regrets could have been avoided by following this law.  Don't preach or rant about how terrible the consequences are. Teach them to question themselves, "Am I willing to accept the consequences?   How would they change my life?  (4) "What personal values are involved in this decision?" Values-based decisions call us to the high road rather than the path of least resistance.  Suggest some godly values as primers, such as truthfulness, trustworthiness, loyalty, responsibility, compassion, friendship, self-denial, courage, honor, faith, etc.  Break it down small for younger kids, but don't miss your opportunity.

Important Skill (3)

"Your thoughts...are the source of true life."  Prov. 4:23 Contemporary Eng. Ver.

Teach your child to ask themselves these two questions:  (1) "How will I feel afterwards?"  What outlasts our decisions are the subsequent feelings of self-respect versus shame and positive self-worth versus negative self-worth.  Our actions ultimately become history, but our thoughts about them continue to shape our future.  'Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.' Kids with self-respect are much less likely to indulge in promiscuous sex, drugs, drinking, antisocial and illegal behaviors.  Self-respect and self-worth are internal standards we are loathe to violate.  Giving in to selfish choices is like abandoning the moral core of our being--the sacred soul God gave us.  (2) "How will the people I value feel about me after this decision?" The trust and respect of others is always needed to succeed.  Reputation trumps money, even in the secular marketplace.  "Choose a good reputation over great riches; being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold" (Pr 22:1 NLT). Poor decision making can earn us a reputation that'll haunt our prospects indefinitely.  "A person who plans (chooses) evil will get a reputation as a troublemaker" (Pr 24:8 NLT).  When you get a negative reputation it's hard to recover from it (See Pr 25:10 NLT).  The short-term benefits of making poor decisions lead to long-term losses and regrets.  The person God blesses must 'exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation' (1 Ti 3:2 NLT).

Important Skill (4)

"[There is] a time to be silent and a time to speak." Ecc. 3:7 New Amer. Std.

Teach your child to ask:  (1) "Is this the best time to make this decision?"  Decisions made in haste are often regretted.  "There is a time to be silent and a time to speak."  Poor decisions are situationally driven, caused by momentary stress, peer pressure, mood swings and temporary emotions like loneliness, etc.  When the situation changes, our feelings change and our decisions often look doubtful.  Can the decision be made later, reducing or eliminating the risk?  Pressuring children often increases their desperation and leads to premature decisions, but assuring them that time is on their side lowers their reactivity and

the likelihood of future regret.  Helping them see that God "has made everything appropriate in its time" (Eccl. 3:11 NAS) offers them space to think wisely about their options, allowing for God's guidance. (2)"If I were advising a friend (John or Susie), would I suggest they take this same option?"  Shifting perspective often broadens the perceptions of our options.  When emotionally influenced, our children often narrow their perspective, excluding many important possibilities.  Often adults press logical, rational thinking on them, meeting resistance.  But by bringing "John" or "Susie" into the equation we open their perspective up.  And one more thought:  it's beneficial to "debrief" with your child, helping them to evaluate the effectiveness of their decision-making process.  Talk through how they handled the situation.  Ask, "How do you feel about that result?"  If they're pleased, compliment the; if not, say "I'm sorry about that.  Any ideas what you'll change next time?  Instead of judging their failure, reward their success.

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As you can see, these words are WISE for adults, therefore they are something we would be advised to pass along to our children as much as possible.  I hope you have opportunity to share this blog with your children piece by piece or in whole to those who may wish to use these words of wisdom as they endeavor to raise their own children!  May God be with each one of you who have taken time from your busy schedule to read these words!